Reminder: Be Proud of Yourself, You Haven't Skipped Class Yet This Semester
Congratulations! You haven’t missed a single day of class this semester. A …
Alderman Library Reopens: Ranked #1 Most Scenic Place To Cry Over Midterms
After decades of construction, Alderman Library’s reopening ahead of the spring 2024 …
Early Decision Acceptees to Replace Students with Sub 3.0 GPA
UVA released their ED decisions today, and along with it came an …
Guys, I Only Need a 172% On My Chem Final To Get a B+ In The Class
Upon typing her exam and homework grades into a final grade calculator, third-year Miranda received good news: she only needs …
OPINION: It's Too Cold Outside, I Don't Want To Go To Class
Despite paying tens of thousands of dollars for the ability to attend classes at the University of Virginia, it is …
Student Relieved at Light Thanksgiving Work Load: Only 6 Assignments!
Jared, a second year CS student, was relieved this morning after completing his final class and realizing his homework load …
Op-Ed: A Light Drizzle on Friday Constitutes Severe Weather (I don't want to go to class)
I speak for the entirety of the UVA student body in demanding that UVA prioritize the safety of students during …
Today's PHYS2415 Office Hours Will Be Held on the Shoulder of US-29
Hello PHYS2415 students, this is your official notice that I will be holding my office hours today from 2-3 pm …
UVA Ends Fall Break Early (You are late for your 10am)
UVA has ended fall break one day early, resuming classes this morning. “When we first published the fall 2023 academic …
3rd Year Physics Major Successfully Seduces Woman (They Made Eye Contact)
Quinn, a 3rd year Physics Major, successfully seduced (looked at) Anna, a nursing student who he has been courting (stalking) …
We Have School Today (It Is Labor Day)
Today is Labor Day, a holiday where we celebrate the workforce of America. UVA administrators have decided there is no …
Statistics Major 95% Confident He Will Not Find Love
Eric, a third year statistics major, finished a longitudinal case study on himself and is now 95% confident that he …
English Major Gets Job
University officials were astonished this morning as a graduated English Major announced that she received a job offer. “I didn’t …
Professor Successfully Displays PowerPoint On Screen Without Technical Difficulties
A professor in the history department successfully connected their laptop to the projector without any issues, according to a source …
Fourth Year Struggles to Fit Both Class and Crippling Alcohol Addiction in Schedule
With classes now in full swing, UVA students are beginning to settle into a new semester of tough classes. But …
Professor Credibility Questioned After Hip-Hop Students Found Jumping On The Lawn
The Professor for “Cultures of Hip-Hop” credibility has come under question after a group of students were seen bouncing around …
E-School Student Drops Out After Reading First Syllabus
The UVA Engineering School claimed its first victim today when Owen, a first year, opened up his first Canvas page …
Advisor Refuses to Advise First Year Against Taking 21 Credits: "It's a Canon Event"
As the First Day of Class comes closer and closer, first year students have been meeting with advisors who definitely …
Opinion: Midterms Should be Held in the Middle of the Term
As students gear up for their tenth week of midterms, some are beginning to question the current academic system. “I …
3rd Year CS Major Unable to Graduate After Required Class Instantly Fills Up
Zoe, a 3rd year CS major, was devastated today to find that a class required for her major has already …
UVA Physics Dept. to Being Offering B.S. in Nuclear Warfare
The UVA Physics department has announced the development of a new B.S. program to be available in 2027: the B.S. …
Professors Fail Kihei Clark in All Classes After March Madness Performance
After a disappointing March Madness performance, Kihei Clark returned to UVA expecting to at least be able to enjoy his …
Astronomy Major Declarations Skyrocket After McIntire Decision Released
With McIntire decisions released yesterday, many UVA Pre-Comm students have had to pivot their major plans after not being accepted …
Grad Student Writes Entire PhD Thesis Using Only ChatGPT
AI has grown exponentially since the start of 2023, the most notable example being the all-encompassing language model ChatGPT. But …
Engineering Student Shocked to Find Grounds Extends Beyond E-School
At around 10:47 am this morning, Eric, a third-year engineering student, ventured off of the e-school grounds for the first …
Professors Label Students 'Unprepared' as Many Fail to Complete FDOC Assignments
Multiple professors have called out some ‘unprepared’ students that did not complete their assignments for the first day of classes. …
All Grades from Last Semester Officially in SIS
Reporters at Bad News Hoos have just received notice that the final grade from last semester has officially been put …
BREAKING: Open Seat Actually Available in Clark During Finals Week
In a minor miracle, an open desk was spotted in Clark Hall around 10 a.m. Thursday. It was the first …
University Pulls Pass/Fail Option for All Classes: "Sike, you thought"
In a shocking regression from their former policy, the University Board of Educators has announced that all students will once …
8 AM Class Attendance Drops to 2% After Recent Clock Changes
Attendance in 8am classes reached record lows today as students struggle to adjust their schedules to Standard Time. “Getting to …
Elon Musk Submits Bid to Purchase Lou's List
After acquiring Twitter, billionaire Elon Musk has set his sights on University of Virginia staple Lou’s List. Musk plans to …
Clem 2 to be Turned Into "Live-Action Exhibit" for Prospective Class of 2027ers
Clemons Library announced Saturday that it would be transforming Clem 2 into a “live-action exhibit”, so prospective UVA students can …
Jobs: Econ Major Seeking Tutor for ENGL 1008: Learning the Alphabet A-M
Daniel, a third-year Econ Major, would like to find a tutor for ENGL 1008: Learning the Alphabet A-M. He currently …
Class Attendance Plummets as Swifties Skip Class, Mentally Prepare for Midnights Release
Attendance plummeted 41% across grounds today, as Taylor Swift fans elected to skip class to “get in the right headspace” …
Professors Collude to have Midterms on Same 3 Days
A group of professors have been exposed for colluding to have their midterms on the same 3 days. “I like …
Professor Accuses Student of Cheating After Acing "Impossible" Midterm
In the most recent honor code violation scandal, Professor Simmons has accused a student in his intro physics class of …
Professor Grades Homework in Timely Manner
In a stunning move, Professor Clark, a computer science professor, has graded a homework assignment in a timely manner, only …
Chemistry Department Announces New Major Concentration in Cooking Meth
Starting next school year, the UVA Chemistry Department will offer a new major concentration in cooking meth. “It’s a game …
Survey Reveals 72% of Students in Clark Library are Just Watching Netflix
A recent poll of UVA undergraduates revealed that 72% of students in Clark Library, including 88% of students in the …
Rodman Scholar Unable to Engineer Girlfriend
After days of hard work in AutoCAD, third-year Rodman Scholar Jack remains unable to engineer himself a girlfriend, despite being …
University Announces Ban on Academic Weapons; Balz-Dobie Left Vacant
In a shocking display of power from the University Judiciary Committee, all Academic Weapons have been banned from grounds effective …
UVA Teacher's Assistants Form Union
The Teacher’s Assistants of UVA have unionized, despite attempts by the University to dispel such efforts. The union has formed …
MIRACLE: Student Wakes Up For 8:00 a.m. Class on Friday Before Fall Break
In what students and faculty alike are calling “the miracle of the century,” third-year Shaun managed to wake up in …
Nursing School Pledges to have 10% Male Population by 2040
The UVA equity committee has launched an aggressive campaign to increase the male population in the nursing school. “I don’t …
Student Shot by Librarian After Sneezing in Clem 2
It’s Midterm Season, and with it comes the semesterly migration of students to Clem 2 for all of their studying …
Architecture Major Forgets to Turn In Apartment, Dozens Left Homeless
The Charlottesville community suffered a devastating blow Sunday evening as Kyle, an architecture major, failed to turn in his apartment …
Echols Scholar Adds GPA to Tinder Bio
Sean, a third-year Echols Scholar, recently took a bold step in his pursuit of everlasting love: adding his 3.96 GPA …
Engineering Student Goes Outside
Students across grounds were shocked to see Kevin, an engineering student, emerge from their room into the harsh sunlight and …
University Responds to Student Requests to Have Holiday Off: "It's Labor Day, Not Rest Day"
When asked by students why they didn’t get the day off on a federal holiday, University officials responded with hostility. …
Professor Shunned for Using Full 75 Minutes of Lecture on FDOC
Rumors have surfaced that a Math Professor used his full 75 minute instruction period on the First Day of Class, …
Computer Science Student Frustrated CS 110 Doesn't Satisfy Language Requirement
With sign up for fall semester classes now behind us, many students are annoyed at how fast certain sections filled …
Around Grounds
clubs
UPC Turns Down Taylor Swift's Offer to Play Welcome Week: "We don't book female artists"
greek-life
Charlottesville Stores Suffer Black Puffer Jacket Shortage As Sorority Rush Begins
academics
It's Thursday: Reward Yourself for 2 Grueling Days of Class By Binge Drinking
sports
The Secret to Success? Virginia Basketball Undefeated When Tristan How Plays
cville
Fourth-Year Without Meal Plan Checks Out New Saxby's Just To Feel Something Again
