Incoming First Year Drops Dead After Stepping Foot in Ohill for First Time
Patrick Henry - June 12, 2023 - cville
Early this morning, Observatory Hill Dining Hall claimed it’s first victim of many from the incoming class of 2027, when rising first year Darren and his family decided to take an unofficial tour of the building. Unfortunately for Darren, the staff were in the process of manufacturing next year’s food out of nuclear waste, and he immediately succumbed to radiation poisoning.
“This honestly couldn’t have worked out any better for me,” explained Walter, who would have been Darren’s roommate next year, “I mean now I get a room all to myself. I’ve been thinking I can rent out his bed to kids on my hall who get sexiled during the first week of school. That should at least cover all of my books for the semester.”
The University grieves for the victim’s family, but would like to use this tragedy to remind all incoming first years never to ask for the fish at a dining hall.