Virginity-Loss Rate of First Years in Neon Orange Football Shirts at All Time High
Patrick Henry - September 1, 2023 - sports
An extensive study recently concluded by the UVA Graduate School of Data Science revealed a shocking discovery this morning: a whopping 96% of first years wearing their neon orange UVA football shirts have already lost their virginity since the start of school.
“It really is like magic”, explained Jacob, a first year who has had so much sex this semester that he has hardly had time to attend class, “All I have to do is tell women that the UVA football shirt stays ON during sex, and they’re all over me. It’s honestly more powerful than the athlete backpack, or owning your own electric scooter.“
Since the study results came out, the UVA bookstore has struggled to keep up with the demand for the shirts. The Charlottesville Police Department has promised there will be police on standby at the first home football game to control riots when the T-shirt cannon is brought out.