First Year Drawn and Quartered on the Lawn for Calling Himself a Freshman
Patrick Henry - August 27, 2022 - cville
The University Judiciary Committee decided Thursday that the crime of referring to oneself with terms such as “freshman” or “sophomore” will be met with a rather medieval punishment: drawing and quartering. The first execution was carried out earlier this morning on a first year named Steven.
“I couldn’t believe they actually went through with it” said Eric, a buddy of the convicted student. “We were walking back from Boylan last night and Steve was talking about how excited he was for freshman year. Next thing I knew an ambassador had him in cuffs and threw him in the back of a safe ride. I still can’t believe they killed him.”
There are a number of students being held in the Ohill walk-in freezer awaiting trial for their crimes. UJC has assured us that they are being given plenty of Fried Okra and spoiled milk during their detention.