University Announces Ban on Academic Weapons; Balz-Dobie Left Vacant
Patrick Henry - October 5, 2022 - academics
In a shocking display of power from the University Judiciary Committee, all Academic Weapons have been banned from grounds effective immediately. In the wake of the announcement, UVA Ambassadors raided Balz-Dobie, the University Scholars Housing, late last night.
“They almost got me” wrote an anonymous informant, assumed to be an Academic Weapon. “Luckily I always sleep with my Ti-84 Plus CE under my pillow, so I was able to calculate the Taylor Polynomial of my speed and find the quickest route to safety. Otherwise I would’ve been toast.”
It’s been rumored that captured Academic Weapons are being put to work revising fraternity answer keys while they await their sentencing. The UJC would like to remind all students and faculty of UVA that the penalty for housing Academic Weapons is listening to an Econ major explain why we can’t just print more money for an hour.